Today is a sad day. I’m waiting for the vet. My dog Boney, who has been with me since 2008, is so sick that she’s beyond saving. She needs to be put down. I’ve had many dogs in my life and they all died one by one on their own. Some were just too old, and some well, just died from undiagnosed ailments. This is the first time I’ve had to decide to consciously put one down. It wasn’t really a hard decision to make. Boney has been sick for almost a year. We had a vet take a look at her and even after all that’s been done to make her well, it just didn’t work out. The poor animal is clearly suffering and it’s a mercy to just let her go.
It’s just utterly sad. I’m supposed to be working today but I’m paralyzed. I can’t do anything. My phone is down. My Internet is down. As much as I want to distract myself, I can’t. I keep thinking about Boney, anxious about the coming vet. I know that as soon as the vet is here, Boney has only minutes to live.
I had spoken with the vet yesterday and she said she will be coming this morning. It’s already 11am and I’ve been terribly anxious since 8 in the morning, puttering around the house, trying to do something on the computer, some offline game perhaps or browse photos. But I keep seeing photos and videos of Boney so I’ve had to put a stop to that. I’m too distracted and restless to draw. I tried sleeping but I’m so agitated that I just keep getting up.
I want to leave the house and if the vet shows up while I’m gone then at least I won’t be here when it all goes down. But that would be mean. I have to be here. I have to be here for Boney.
And of course it just had to rain. It’s been raining all morning. I guess it’s only appropriate.
12 noon the vet just called and said she will be able to come over only at 1:30pm. It’s relieved the tension and anxiety a little bit, but just a little bit. I’m still very agitated. I don’t think I can eat lunch, at least not so much. I don’t feel like eating.
Even when this is over, I think I have to get away for a bit, watch a movie maybe. Hopefully On The Job is still showing at SM. It’s supposedly bloody enough and intense enough to get my mind off killing my dog.
It’s 6 in the evening. The vet came at 1:15pm. Boney was gone and buried by 1:40pm. It was difficult seeing her die in front of my eyes. She fell asleep from an injection and then as drugs were pumped into the IV attached to her, she started gasping. There was one last gasp of air. I thought that there would be more, but no. She just died. And that was it.
After Boney was in the ground I took a bath and just got out of the house. On The Job was no longer playing. I just puttered aimlessly around not really knowing where to go. A few hours later I was back home. I took a nap. I was asleep longer than I expected. I woke up thinking of Boney’s still face, closed eyes and open mouth. When dogs die they open their mouth.
I’m still thinking of Boney right now. I think of all the nice times I had her. She was an awesome awesome dog. Loving, attentive, always so eager to please. I will try not to think of Boney too much. I don’t want to keep being sad. I just have to keeping doing what I’m doing, and get back to drawing again.